15 February 2013

head v. heart

I've been on maintenance mode for four or five days now and, let me tell you, it's really fucking weird.

For starters, I get to eat more food now. Weight Watchers ups your daily points by 6 and I still have my 49 weekly points and My Fitness Pal gave me, like, an additional 500 or so calories a day. That. Is. Insane. I understand the logic behind it: you restrict calories when you are trying to lose weight, so it makes sense that in order to maintain you have to increase your daily intake, but still.

Like, okay, so Wednesday is Free Pie Day at Bakers Square. We have a location near work and last week some coworkers went but I wasn't able to join them. We also were all given $5 Gift Cards and so this week I was determined to go. Ate my regular size breakfast and lunch, scoped out the menu beforehand, and not only was I able to fit breakfast-for-dinner into my day but an entire slice of No Sugar Added Cherry Pie.

Not only was I still under my calorie total, but I only had to use two Weekly Points.

What?!

It's going to be interesting to see what the scale says on Monday. Maintenance Mode is a whole different beast and part of it is going to be finding the right balance of activity and food to stay where I want to be, give or take two pounds in either direction. Which is another mental obstacle. Just the basic idea that I'm done trying to lose weight is so bizarre.

Of course, even though I know I'm finished and happy with where I am, I still sometimes slip back into Fat Girl Mode.


Throughout this whole journey I have always struggled with accepting my smaller size. This is equally, if not especially  true now that I've found where I want to be for the rest of my life. My head is well aware of my weight and dress size and how many miles I run and all the logic and measurable parts of the past two years. My heart, however, sometimes has trouble jumping on the bandwagon. Think about it: I referred to it as reaching "maintenance mode" instead of reaching "goal weight." For some reason, part of me is still adjusting to the idea that after spending pretty much my entire life struggling with my weight, this is it.

Like shopping. Before, I'd buy things and never knew how long they would stay in my closet. Not just over the past two years, but back at my heaviest, too. Now, though, I can buy a piece of clothing and know that I can still be wearing it next year. I've never had that happen before. I'd buy clothing without really thinking long-term about it and would most often not buy the things I really loved because I didn't want to have to part with it a few weeks later. I'd be more concerned with price than anything else, so the idea of being able to invest in a wardrobe and really find my sense of style is going to be fun and, well, interesting to say the least.

At the same time, though, when I do go shopping I sometimes still find myself reaching for larger sizes. At Target yesterday I had to force myself to pull things that were size M instead of L or XL, and even walking into the dressing room I told myself I might be trying to hard with the Mediums, but, nope, every single piece fit flawlessly.

Thing is, even knowing all of that and trying on clothes and really seeing the changes in my body, I still have a hard time sincerely understanding that this is who I am now. This new body is my body and I worked hard for it, but sometimes I still view the world through the eyes of that insecure girl rather than the cool, confident woman I am now. And I am confident. And happy. And fierce and fabulous. And my head knows all of that down to my very bones. It's just taking my heart a little while to catch up.

Psssst. This is my 199th post! Monday will be 200 and there's some exciting stuff lined up, including the unveiling of my new blog redesign! Oh, and of course thank you to my dear friend and fellow yogi John for telling me the statement up above at a time when I really needed to hear it. 

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus

4 comments:

  1. I've been thinking about you a lot since you announced maintenance mode. Congratulations! Enjoy never being able to find Mediums of your most favorite items at Target!! lol

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    Replies
    1. Ha! I did notice that seemed to be the size with the most limited options!

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  2. First off, CONGRATULATIONS! I am so proud of you!
    I am not yet at my ideal size, but I also find id hard to grab clothes in my CURRENT size.

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  3. I think it is hard for women to accept their bodies as they are. In high school I was about as thin as I've ever been, and I was about as unhappy as I've ever been. I think I always wish to be 10 lbs lighter than my current weight, and if I hit that new number my goal is always 10 less. Being happy with yourself, and realizing that this is you is great.

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