31 January 2014

friday favorites: phoenix quotes

In her comment regarding my last post, my friend Liz reminded me that I am a phoenix, saying "It doesn't burst into flames once and rise from the ashes just once, it does it again and again."

Oh. Yeah. Forgot that part of the myth.

So! What better way to celebrate and acknowledge the fabulousness that is the phoenix and main inspiration for my blog than with some of my favorite quotes related to phoenixes? I mean, I might as well put that PicMonkey account to work by taking advantage of some of the Royale features, amirite?

And, of course, we must end with the poem that is my namesake.

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus

27 January 2014

healthy living anniversary and the 47 lb pink elephant in the room

A little over three years ago, I weighed 311 pounds and looked like this.

Around that same time, my little sister sent me an email that sent me on a two year journey of self-discovery. I lost 135 pounds, getting down to 175 and looking like this.

This weekend marks my three year health living anniversary and you have no idea how much I want to be able to tell you I still look like I do in the picture just above. But I don't. These days I look like this.

If you've been following my blog for any length of time then you know the past year of my journey has had some....detours. Some hills and valleys. Some ups and down. Specifically, at the beginning of the year a combination of work and personal life stress left me falling on some old habits which created a decrease in my self-esteem which, in turn, led to an increase in my weight.

Over the past twelve months I've developed a cycle. I'll have one really good week and instead of using that as motivation to keep going I, instead, use it as an excuse to grow lax. Really lax. So lax I'll have a really bad week. Then the next two weeks will be kind of half-hearted and at the end of those two weeks I'll decide I must change my behavior and will then have a really good week. Which starts the whole cycle over again.

I've spent the past year in the Land of Yo-Yo and the end result is a gain of 47.2 since February. From 175 to my current weight of 222.2. To think I used to actually wonder how I got up to 311 pounds to begin with. Turns out, gaining weight is a lot easier than losing it. I'm only aware of it this time around because I've been keeping track.

When I first rejoined Weight Watchers again back in late November, I weighed in at 220. So, at 222 I'm sort of bordering on having maintained that weight for the past two months. But I don't want to maintain this weight and lately I've been asking myself why. Why is it so hard for me to focus? Why am I have so much trouble getting back on track?

My main motivator three years ago was to lose weight so I'd like myself. Because I didn't. I didn't then and I hadn't for a very long time. So that was the proverbial carrot. The more weight I lost, the more I internalized the compliments I received, the more I started to see the positive parts about myself I'd forgotten or ignored in the past.

That worked for awhile. But it was more of a band-aid than anything else, because nine, ten, eleven months ago when things in my life started to head south, all those old demons came banging on the door yet again and I was left without the strong sense of self to tell those demons to fuck off.

The unexpected part of this unlikely turn of events is that in regaining the weight I discovered who I really am and found out she's pretty damn fucking awesome (if I do say so myself). Of course, I've always been pretty damn fucking awesome I just didn't know it. So here I am, all awesome and fabulous regardless of and despite what the stupid fucking scale says.

So now it becomes a question of why I want to relose the weight I've gained back. Because I do. At least some of it. At the very least I want to get back under 200 and decide from there. It can't be because I need to feel good about myself because I already do and it can't necessarily be for health reasons because my tests always come back in healthy ranges and it can't be because of society or the beauty myth because fuck that shit.

That being said, there are clothes I miss being able to wear comfortably. Oh, I can get into them but they don't look good. A Calvin Klein dress that made me cry tears of joy when I first tried it on months ago makes me cry for all the wrong reasons now. I also have no doubt that the excess weight I'm carrying has been a big reason my running pace has significantly decreased.

But if I'm being really, really, really honest with myself my main motivator for wanting to get back to a smaller weight is my collar bones.

When you weigh over three hundred pounds you don't really think about your collar bones. I don't even know if I ever thought about having collar bones at all back then because I couldn't see them. Out of sight, out of mind. Then I lose all this weight and even at just under 200 lbs I was rocking a gorgeous neckline with some hefty 3D collar bone poppage action and it was beautiful. With the weight gain, most of the bones have receded and I'm left with a mere shadow of them.

When I was at my parents' house last weekend I was looking through the scrapbooks my mom put together for Sissy and I and came across this photo.

bow ties are cool

Clearly I was destined to be a librarian with an outfit like that.

Collar bones don't make a very good long term motivator but that fancy doll right there with her big toothy grin and off-balanced bangs does. I mean, just look at that smile. That is a lil lady who doesn't have a care in her little world. Things are good. Things are fabulous and she has no reason to think things won't always be that way. Now, do I want to the be one to let her down by undoing two years of sweat and tears? Do I want to be the one who says "Well, y'know, kid, I know things in life are pretty peachy keen right now and the hardest decision you have to make is which My Little Pony to play with but things get a little more complicated as you get older. But it's okay because you make a decision to change things and are a huge success. Except, see, well, then things start to go backwards and in the end I just kinda decided we weren't worth it."

Because that's the key. If I am so confident and assured of my sense of self then now is the time to put my money where my mouth is and prove it.

So here I am today on my three year Healthy Living Anniversary, recommitting to this. Recommitting to this journey and healthy living. Recommitting to making good choices and necessary sacrifices.

Recommitting to me.

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus

23 January 2014

giveaway: core power fit kit

I was first introduced to Core Power about a year ago when it was offered as a post-race fuel at the Rodeo Run 10K and was immediately a big fan. It's a Milk Protein Drink that comes in several flavors, including the new Banana while the Chocolate and Strawberry Banana are offered as lighter options with less calories. From the bottles below you can see that each packs a big protein punch and what I really like is they don't have that chalky taste that some other protein drinks have.

Not only that but Core Power was also recently named the Official Protein Drink of the Sochi 2014 Olympic Winter Games! So there you go: it's the protein drink of champions. Literally.

As a FitFluential member I was given an opportunity to receive a Core Power Fit Kit and give away another Fit Kit to one of my readers!

This Fit Kit has just about everything you could possibly need to feel like an Olympic champion: there is a branded yoga mat in a mesh travel case, a water bottle, towel, exercise ball, some bottles of Core Power and all of it fits into the HUGE gym bag. Seriously, the thing is massive and not only has a ton of space but there's also a special spot for the yoga mat. Sometimes gym bags are only big enough to carry what you need when you're at the gym, but this still has enough room for clothes, shoes, and all that necessary stuff if I'm going to work or meeting up with friends after working out.

So now it's your turn to be a winner! No gold medals here, but you can win a Core Power Fit Kit of your very own!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Fine Print: Open to US residents. Giveaway ends Sunday January 26th at 11:59 PM EST. At the completion of the giveaway winner will have 48 hours to claim their prize. 

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus

21 January 2014

recap: garage sale 5K

Hermes is one of Cleveland's race organization companies and are moving their offices. As such, they decided to hold a Garage Sale 5K as a way of cleaning house and getting rid of old shirts, bibs, and medal/awards that they didn't want to have to transport. For us runners this meant that when we first got there we were allowed to take our pick of shirts from past Hermes races! (It also meant that the registration fee was about half what it normally is since they didn't need the overhead of having new items made.)

The one thing I will tell you about this race was how very, very, very cold it was. I've raced in snow, I've raced in slush, but that's nothing like running in 12 degrees (which isn't even taking into account the wind chill). Seriously, people, it was fucking freezing. It was one of those moments where I suddenly understood why non-runners think the rest of us are crazy.

Sissy and my BIL were in town because Papa G.'s birthday and the long weekend, which meant they were able to see me race for the first time. When everyone showed up before the start of the race my mom told me that Sissy said "We must really love Jill" to bear the cold for me.

It was only a 5K which sounds ridiculously short after completing a half-marathon, so I went in knowing I could push myself more than I normally would because it was such a short distance. I was familiar with the course, as it was the same one used for my last 5K back in November 2012, and so the first two miles were about average but as soon as I came down that hill at Edgewater Park and knew I had just one lap left I started to dig in.

The only way I can describe it is to say I put my heart into that third mile and it must have showed because after crossing the finish line my dad mentioned how I had clearly picked up speed there at the end. I finished in 46:40 which wasn't a PR but at 14:56 average mile, my fastest pace since July so I am very, very happy with that time.

In the end I walked away from the Garage Sale 5K with a River Run half-marathon shirt (which is ridiculously comfy), a Turkey Trot bib, and an award from the Reindeer Run for 1st Place Males Aged 75-79.

Running in the cold was worth it for that medal alone.

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus

15 January 2014

what i love wednesday: justin's individual peanut butter packs

I know I've mentioned on more than one occasion that peanut butter is a trigger food for me. I love the stuff to no end but it's tricky and almost dangerous to keep a jar in my apartment because I have, also on more than one occasion, managed to just attack that thing with a spoon.

So I don't know why it took me so long to start buying these little puppies.

That's right, ladies & gents, individual nut butter packets. 

These packs of Justin's nut butter are amazing, come in a wide variety of flavors (the chocolate hazelnut option solves another trigger food problem of mine as well), and just what someone like me needs. Each packet is about 2 T, which is the normal serving size listed on a jar of peanut (or in this case almond) butter but this way it's all already portioned out! No muss, no fuss. (I found them at Giant Eagle, for all interested parties, but I've seen them other places as well.)

They also are perfect for travelling so the night before I'll cut up some celery and throw it in my lunch bag with one of these and then I can just spread it on the celery when I'm ready to eat lunch or need a healthy snack. I can just imagine going on a road trip with these or even using them as running fuel when I need a bit of protein!

But, seriously, my favorite part is the fact that it's all pre-portioned. So even if I do have an inclination to just eat peanut butter straight up (and let's face it, who doesn't have that inclination every once in awhile?) at least this way I go in knowing exactly how many calories and Weight Watchers points it is I'm about to eat, whereas if I'm just having a hit and run with the jar it really is anyone's guess.

Granted, like most pre-packaged, pre-portioned items it costs more than just buying the regular size. Think bag of chips versus bunch of snack size bags. But for me, knowing I can still have my indulgence without over-indulging is priceless.

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus

13 January 2014

joining the judgement free zone at planet fitness

I've been thinking of joining a gym for awhile now, it was all just a matter of where and for how much. A few months ago a new swanky fitness club opened up in a nearby development project and I obviously liked the location as I'd like somewhere that would make it convenient for me to work out during the work week, either before or after. The monthly membership was but they have a drop in fee that allows you to try the club out on an as-needed basis which was my plan for Saturday.

Until, of course, Saturday morning rolled around and it took me forever to get myself up and out the door. It wasn't until I had driven over to the gym and I was sitting in the parking lot that I realized the reason I was so hesitant is because just the very idea of walking in to the gym left me intimidated and out of place, let alone actually working out in there.

Then I remembered there were a few Planet Fitness locations in the Northeast Ohio area and when I had half-heartedly researched gyms several months ago I liked the look and feel of PF. So I turned my car around and headed to the one in Rocky River to get a better idea of what they offer and after a tour of the facility I decided to sign up!

Copyright Planet Fitness

While the other gym left me feeling intimidated, as soon as I walked into Planet Fitness and looked around I had that Yup, this is the place for me feeling and the employee giving me the tour even said "We don't cater to the body builder type, this is more for people who just want to stay fit." There motto is Judgement Free Zone and you are probably also familiar with the brand if you watch The Biggest Loser.

At my apartment building I already have access to an elliptical and treadmill so one of my main reasons for wanting to join a gym is to have access to weights and strength training machines. I've always been a cardio gal but am well aware that strength training is equally important

Not only did I end up working out for a bit after I signed up but I also went back Sunday morning and I'm planning on going back tonight after work.

Oh, that's the other thing: They offer two payment plans both of which are really reasonable but I decided to go for the $20/month Black Card level which will allow me to use any Planet Fitness. The Rocky River location is great for me on the weekends but a little inconvenient during the week. But luckily there is another location super close to work. I'm allowed to use the other locations up to 10 times a month which is perfect as I can't imagine I'll be visiting more than two times a week.

Any other Planet Fitness members out there?

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus

09 January 2014

portrait of a single lady

You know you are very, well, vocal about your single status when your January first starts with an out out of the blue message from a male friend you maybe talk to every six months saying he hopes your "new year is filled with pretty men who are crazy about books, independent cinema, and commitment."

And here I thought I hid it so well.

Truth is, if you follow me on any form of social media (but Twitter in particular) then you are already fairly familiar with my, erm, confusion over being single at 32. I mean, hello, look at me: I'm a mix of adorable and hot. I can hold decent conversation. I'm snarky and witty with more sarcasm than is good for me. I read books in a wide range of genres from biography to fantasy. I watch movies. I drink beer and cocktails. I cook and bake and will more often than not give you all of my baked goods (who doesn't love free cookies?!). I'm physically active but not in a way that will make you feel bad about yourself if you're not. I'm a full on geek but can pass for chic. I'm pretty happy with my life but also set goals in an effort to constantly improve myself. I love getting all dolled up for a night on the town but also am a fan of lounging around the apartment on a Friday night. I'm an entrepreneur. I have a good job, my own apartment, and my car is paid off. I have a healthy sexual appetite and, well, not to put too fine a point on it, have never had any complaints in that department (let's just say two years of yoga has some added benefits).

Seriously, people. Take a gander at this foxy lady and tell me HOW IS SHE STILL SINGLE?

I know, I know. Better to be single than in a relationship with the wrong person. Been there, done that. No t-shirt but I did get the boxed sets of seasons 1 - 3 of Arrested Development in the break-up.

So being fully aware that no relationship is better than a dysfunctional one I got to wondering why I care so much. It can't be for having someone to hang out with on the weekends because, well, I have friends for that and it can't be for sex because, well, I have friends for that, too (and this is the point where my brain is flashing in big red neon letters YOUR FAMILY READS THIS) and it can't be for having kids because, well, I'm not even sure I want kids and because, well, once again, I have friends for that who at the very least will let me hang out with their offspring for an hour to work out all the biological clock ticks and then I can just hand the kid back and go take a nap.

Then it hit me: I'm finally at that point in my life where I really, really like who I am. And when you really, really like who you are then all you want is someone to share all of your likableness with.

Truthfully I'm pretty sure I had to regain some of my weight to figure this out. Because even after all of my success, I was still being defined in terms of pounds: originally it was my starting weight and then it became how much weight I had lost.

When that stops being an option -- when you can no longer bask in all of your weight-loss glory in a two-steps backward kind of way -- all you are left with is the deep, dark, dirty reality you had managed to keep hidden for so long. Your choice is simple: continue to deny deny deny or acknowledge, accept, and adapt.

So it was in one glorious lightning flash moment that actually happened over the course of several months I realized Hey! When I stop directing so much energy and focus on what I look like and how much I weigh, turns out underneath all that silly exterior stuff I'm actually pretty damn awesome!

It's like the very end of When Harry Met Sally... when Harry tells Sally "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

But, see, that "somebody" isn't some guy, it's me. It's this crazy, quirky, flirty, glittery, curvy, sexy, whatever-else-y force of nature who not only knows what she has to offer the world but wants to offer it. Wants to share it, wants to give it away, wants to find someone who will slay dragons to grab hold of all of this fabulousness because they can't imagine their life without it.

(Did I also mention that despite my obvious snark I'm actually a romantic at heart?)

In the past, my relationships were all about what the other person could do for me. It was, in the words of John Steinbeck, "selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance." I would use relationships as a means of making myself feel better about who I was because I didn't like me. As long as I could be defined as someone's girlfriend then it didn't matter that I hated myself because, hey, this person over here likes me. I had so much baggage, I wasn't looking for a boyfriend I was looking for a bellhop.

Now, though, I feel ready and prepared and full of Steinbeck's second kind of love, which is "...an outpouring of everything good in you — of kindness and consideration and respect — not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable."

It's less about what that person can bring to my life and more about what I can bring to theirs. Like, say, witty repartee, yoga-inspired sex, and free cookies.

Because, again, who doesn't love free cookies?

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus

07 January 2014


For my birthday, my dear friend Lauren got me a copy of the book How To Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran and it is seriously one of the most amazing books I have ever read. In terms of life-affirming books -- you know, those books that read like your own autobiography and actually make your weirdness feel, well, normal -- this is right up there with Quiet: The Power of Introverts.

Each chapter is titled with spectacular exclamation point jazz hands, such as I START BLEEDING! and I ENCOUNTER SOME SEXISM! She's snarky and fabulous and SOMETIMES SPEAKS IN ALL CAPS.

We're basically the same person. Only, y'know, she's British and I'm American. BUT STILL.

I keep a list of books I wish I had written and this is now on that list.

One of the chapters is titled, naturally, I AM FAT!

"First of all, I think we should agree on what 'fat' actually is. Obviously, norms of beauty come and go, and there are extremes of metabolism and build -- that big-boned thing is TRUE! I only found out recently! Compared to Kylie Minogue, I genuinely have the bones of a mastodon! I would NEVER have fit into those gold hot pants because I have got TOO MUCH CALCIUM!" 

That's totally my problem, too. It's all that silly calcium!

"You could spend the rest of your life obsessing about the crenellations on the backs of your thighs, the beer-barrel swell of your belly, or the fact that, when you run, you can feel your buttocks banging against each other like a set of clackers. But to do that would be to operate on the subconscious assumption that, at some point, you will be forced to appear in front of people naked and judged out of ten and -- as we have discussed before -- THIS ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN UNLESS YOU ENTER AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. What happens in your bra and undies STAYS in your bra and undies. If you  can find a frock you look nice in and can run up three flights of stairs, you're not fat."

Granted, I can't run up three flights of stairs (I don't think. I've never actually tried it before. Mainly, because, well, who the hell wants to run up three flights of stairs?) but I think Caitlin's point still remains -- if you can find clothes that make you feel confident and you're a relatively active person, don't stress yourself out by making the scale the end all be all and don't talk yourself down by using ugly words like "fat."

Now, I don't know about the rest of y'all, but here in the Land of Cleves we are dealing with sub-zero temps. Which means it's a perfect day to stay at home reading and drinking coffee slash tea and cuddling up with your dogs slash cats (if you're one of those lucky people who doesn't have to be at work UNLIKE MYSELF). So if you are in need of a book to read on this blistery January day, I highly recommend How To Be a Woman.

You can thank me later.

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus

03 January 2014

the year of yes

Maybe it's intuition. Maybe it's premonition. Hell, maybe it's just optimism, but I have a really good feeling about what will unfold over the next twelve months. My New Years Eve was spent at home with the cats, which I was perfectly content with because as I was walking around Target earlier that evening I had this thought pop into my head out of nowhere: You better take advantage of a quiet evening because by this time next year things are going to be very different.

Well, alrighty then, random brain thought.

Thing is, change doesn't happen spontaneously. It has to be set into motion. You have to make the necessary choices and decisions to change. One of the biggest ways to make a change is also the simplest and the inspiration for my word of the year.

I have my comfort zone, as I'm sure we all do and it's hard to break out of it, especially for me. I've noticed, though, that over the past year I've gotten better about doing things I normally wouldn't do and now I really want to challenge myself to continue on that path. The easiest way to do that is to say yes to things I would normally say no to.

Case in point: Wednesday night, I was, admittedly, already in bed and in my pjs by 8:30 pm. Movie was playing on Netflix and the cats and I were all snuggled up. Then my friend Missy sent me a text asking if I'd be interested in getting a drink.

I was warm and comfy. I wanted to say no. And I almost did, until I realized that would be my first real decision of the new year and I couldn't let my word go so easily, so quickly.

So I said yes, even if it meant getting out of my warm comfy bed, getting back into real clothes, and heading into the cold. I hadn't seen Missy since before the holidays and I loved the chance to see her again and hang out and share a drink (or two).

Or, when an indie band you love Facebook invites you to a local show at The Grog Shop for the end of the month, you répondez s'il vous plaît yes, even if means going alone (though, seriously, if anyone wants to join me you should. They do an awesome show).

My word for the year is such a simple one but it can have a huge impact when utilized and I'm excited to see where it takes me!

What is your word of the year?

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus.

01 January 2014

14 Goals for 2014

So here we are, dear readers. Another year is upon us and I decided that instead of making resolutions that I would inevitably not follow through on I would set specific goals to keep me motivated instead. Specifically, 14 goals in honor of 2014.

1) Travel More
It probably goes without saying that my recent trip to London has a lot to do with this goal. There are so many places I want to visit but I don't ever follow through on making plans to take trips. But I love traveling, especially to new places and foreign countries. Plus my passport is brand new this year so I gots lots o' space to fill up with stamps.

2) Find Job Satisfaction
Truthfully I don't even know what this one means, I just know that something has to change.

3) Find Scale Satisfaction
I don't like the idea of seeing a specific weight goal or an amount of pounds I want to lose. Ideally my first goal would be to get back under 200 pounds but it's not going to require an entire year to do that. Really, though, knowing that the number is just a number, what I ultimately want to do is come to peace with the number on the scale or maybe even get rid of the damn thing all together (baby steps on that one, though).

4) Research Becoming a Fitness Instructor
Maybe this is somehow related to #2, but I feel as though I have more to offer to the world than what I'm currently doing professionally. Maybe it's yoga. Maybe it's spinning. I just know there is some activity out there that I would excel at as a teacher.

5) Entertain More
Over the years I've amassed a ridiculous amount of fabulous dining and kitchen pieces that are just perfect for entertaining and yet I have people over maybe once a year. I have a lovely apartment, a fantastic collection of bar ware, and tons of serving dishes that go unappreciated so I need to start having soirees.

6) Volunteer
This one is actually all ready in the works as I have a meeting on Friday to see about starting to volunteer at the Western Reserve Historical Society library. My work schedule leaves me with ample time on the weekends that I know could be put to better use.

7) Be More Open To Dating
I already date, right? I mean, I'm a fabulous feisty single thirty-two-year-old red head. Of course I date. I just don't talk about it here because, well, this isn't the appropriate place and because when it comes to that part of my life I'm pretty private. But let me tell you, dating in your thirties fucking sucks. By now you're pretty well-established as an individual and it's difficult to invite another person into that. Especially when you're, y'know, an introvert. Really, to sum it up without details, I want to stop limiting myself so much when it comes to the men I go out with.

8) Attend FitBloggin 14
I know I've mentioned this conference several times on the blog, but that's because I'm so hoping I make it there this year. Now that it's actually 2014 and registration opens soon, now is the time to start making concrete plans like air travel, hotel arrangements, etc. (And, y'know, if there are any companies or organizations who wanna sponsor me feel free to email *wink wink*)

9) Beat my 2013 RnRCLE Half Marathon Time
This is sort of an obvious one but, I like to think, definitely an achievable goal. I finished my first half-marathon with a time of 3:37:53 and I want to run the 2014 Cleveland Rock 'n' Roll Half in less time.

10) Read 50 Books (and keep track of them)
I have absolutely no idea how many books I read this year. Or last year. Or the year before. I have a GoodReads account but I'm terrible about keeping it updated -- usually I'm good for the first few months of the year and then I forget or fall out of habit. As such I have no idea how many books I've read in a given year plus I have a tendency to forget the books I did read.

11) Track My Mileage
When I put together my 2013 Race Year Review, I was able to figure out how many miles I ran in races but I had no idea how many miles I ran total for the year and that is a number I'd love to know.

12) Break Out of My Bar Comfort Zone
My friends and I have our place, right? That one bar where we always go whenever we're going out on the weekends. The kind of bar where they know your name and your drink and it's all fun and fabulous. But as much as I love that bar, this city has so many fantastic fucking bars and restaurants that I really should be trying.

13) Write Every Single Day
A couple years ago I got to hear Deborah Harkness, author of A Discovery of Witches, speak when she was on a tour stop here in Cleveland and the one piece of advice that has always stuck with me from her talk was when she told the audience "One page a day for an entire year turned into A Discovery of Witches." (Or something to that effect, I don't remember her exact wording.) It's such a simple idea, writing a page a year and while I don't know if I'll actually write an entire page a year I want to write something. A really really good line. A character description. Maybe a poem. Something. Anything. As long as I do it every single day.

14) Say A Hearty Yes To My Adventure
I'll go more into this on Friday when I unveil my word for the year, just know that based entirely on intuition I feel really really really good about 2014 and fully ready to embrace whatever inevitable changes take place during the next twelve months.

What are some of your goals or resolutions for the coming year? Also, congrats to Susan who won the free copy of Happy Herbivore Light & Lean!

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus
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