30 December 2016

Bad Blood

Y'all know that I have a small crush on the vascular surgeon who performed the surgery on my deep vein thrombosis (aka big fucking blood clot) back in late July and usually when I leave a follow-up appointment with him, I'm feeling a little like this:

This time, however, I'm feeling a little more like this:

So, okay. I've been seeing two doctors over the past five months. There is my surgeon and then there is the pulmonary embolism doc. A couple of months ago, the PE doc had me go in for some blood work and some of the numbers were out of range and others right on the cusp so he sent me to a hematologist for a second opinion.

The Hematologist said since we can pinpoint the exact causes of my clot -- Injury, Road Trip, Birth Control -- he didn't think it would be necessary to keep me on blood thinners for life. The caveat to that, of course, is that if I got a second blood clot, then, yes, lifer.



I had an ultrasound done on my leg a couple of weeks ago and today was the follow up with Dr. Stanley. Because the DVT was so extensive (entire thigh, y'all. Purple dead zombie leg, remember), he wants to keep me on the blood thinners for at least a year.

At least. With hints that it may be longer. As in lifer.

Which, like, I get when he explained that if I were to get a second blood clot it would be "devastating" and so this would be more of a preventative measure and all and, again, I get but...

Granted, maybe in another six months he'll decide I'm good and okay and none of this will matter. I'm just glad I'm no longer having to take those stupid fucking shots anymore and I haven't had any excess bleeding or side effects. (Well, except for my period although I don't know how much of that is the copper IUD (since I can't take the pill) and how much is the blood thinners and/or some combination of both).

I dunno. Maybe I'll get another book out of this whole saga.

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus

27 December 2016

The F Word

As you guys know, I have a book coming out in ONE WEEK.

If you pre-ordered the hardback copy from Amazon, chances are you already have it since, for some reason known only to Amazon, they started shipping them out early but WHATEVS.

It's weird, having my book out there. Knowing it's being read by family and friends and strangers and all of that. It's also causing me to have an extreme existential crisis related to the language of the book because, as you all are aware, I like to say fuck. I like to say fuck a whole fucking lot.

The thing is, not everyone likes the word fuck, which is totally okay, but as such, they will probably not like my book because of my use of the word fuck and, because it's a memoir and my story and my narrative and my view of the world, they probably won't like me because of my use of the word fuck.

And it's so bizarre because it certain contexts I'm perfectly okay using the word fuck unapologetically. Like, say, in this entire fucking post. But I don't use it in the presence of my parents (okay, well, in the presence of my mom) and most of my extended family. And when I write, I have no problem using it in my fiction but somehow the idea of having a book out there with the word fuck appearing at all, let alone frequently, is giving me a severe existential crisis.

(And the family element really is a big part of it. Not just my family but BC's family and friends of our family....)

I think it's because of the memoir aspect of it. This is my story and my narrative and my view of the world. It is, well, me. And putting it out there like that is vulnerable and scary.

I was explaining it to a friend like this: I'm someone who has a lot of walls around them. A LOT OF WALLS. All but a few people really know who I am and most aren't family. There's nothing wrong with my family, I've just always felt like an odd duck. I don't share a lot with them, with anyone besides my super inner circle, so most people have an idea of what I'm like without actually knowing what I'm really like.

Then I write this book -- a book where I was encouraged and tried really hard to be my true authentic self. I like my true authentic self, fucks and all, but putting my true authentic self out there -- especially putting it out there to the people who have a different idea of me in their head -- is scary as hell. Because what if they don't like my true authentic self?

It's not that I'm embarrassed or feel bad about saying fuck so much in my book, it's that I'm worried about what people will think of me. Which, I mean, I'm 35 years old. I should be over this sort of thing by now, right?

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus

16 December 2016

let it snow

I had forgotten how challenging running in winter can be. It's cold and there is annoying white stuff falling from the sky. It's also icy and -- as someone who is recovering from an injury -- I don't want to do anything dumb that will risk a set-back.

The YMCA, and their plethora of treadmills, isn't far away but that requires the extra step of bundling up on top of my running clothes and then getting in my car and driving out on snowy roads when it's dark and cold outside.

Running in winter is hard enough when I'm at the peak of training but now, oof. Zero motivation and I'm running slower than even I'm used to and my endurance isn't what it used to be after being off for six months.

Back in November, when I was given the all clear to run again, I set a goal of being able to run three miles by the end of the year but I think I need to reevaluate that goal. As of today, the furthest I've gone is 1.5 miles and that's when there wasn't six inches of snow on the ground.

Getting a treadmill for our basement is on my list and with each passing day it's moving higher and higher up that list, closing in on that top spot.

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus

05 December 2016

I Gots Myself An Eating Psychology Coach!

Back in July I made the decision to quit dieting, full stop. I don't count calories, I don't track points. I still write down what I eat most of the time but that's mostly looking for patterns in terms of time of day, how I'm feeling, etc. It's more food journaling than tracking.

I haven't voluntarily stepped on a scale in a couple of months (that habit was a little harder to break) but thanks to multiple doctor's appointments over the past several months thanks to #anklegate and #clotapocalypse, I have a vague idea of what I weigh.

It's not that I'm giving myself permission to just eat non-nutritious food 24/7, but I am giving myself permission to eat which, in a lot of ways, is the biggest challenge. But I'm noticing positive changes in my attitudes toward food. I'm also changing the language I'm using, both in terms of how I describe myself and how I talk about food to other people.

Just last week, one of my co-workers went out and bought cupcakes. I'd just eaten lunch when he offered me one. I declined. Some of my other co-workers nearby commented on my will-power. In the past I may have just demurred or brushed it off but this time I said, "It's not will-power, I'm just not hungry."

But despite my progress, I also know I can't do this alone and need some help and over the past six months or so I've been trying to find someone to talk to, someone educated in these issues. Then I found out one of my friends from high-school is starting a new business as a certified eating psychology coach. I reached out to her and told her what I was looking for -- stressing that I did not want to diet and weight-loss is not be my goal -- and she wrote back saying she wants to help chronic dieters like myself rebuild their relationship with food.

I'd never thought of myself as a "chronic dieter" before but as soon as she said that it was like this lightbulb went off in my brain. When asked how long I've been dealing with all of this I kind of laughed and then said since high-school, so 20 years ago. I've been yo-yo dieting for 15+ years ago.

Yesterday was our first meet-up and ohmygosh you guys. We spent the majority of our meeting kind of going through a history where I talked about the diets I've been on and she had me go through a typical day in terms of food and lots of other things. This is going to be a recurring thing for us and so she gave me homework: things to incorporate into my day over the next couple of weeks until we talk again. I'm excited to see how these small changes and actions have an affect on my eating!

In other news, I'm going to be on NPR's On Point show this morning talking about my favorite books of 2016! My segment is 11 am - Noon and here are all the ways you can listen.

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus
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