05 January 2018

Word of the Year

I haven't done a word of the year in a couple years and I didn't really plan on doing one this year, but one word kept inserting itself into my life.


Zero: The number of fucks I give. Seriously, y'all. I have so much shit going on in my life that I literally just do got give a fuck about the little things. Like, at all. I've said this for years, but 2018 is the year when I literally live this attitude.

Zero: The number of pounds I have to lose. It's that time of year when dieting (or anti-dieting) is on the forefront of so many people's minds and it's not on mine. Because I do not have to lose any weight no matter what society or our culture or any of that bullshit tells us. Also, like I said the other day, I have bought my wedding dress already so I'm kind of locked in because even if I were to lose weight, they can only take those things in so much before it wrecks the dress. That said, I ALREADY BOUGHT MY WEDDING DRESS. So I can't be all lazy and gain weight either. I'm LOCKED IN to that really pricey garment so I DO have to, at the very least, maintain my current weight so I still fit into it come September 1st. That means employing mindful eating techniques and not eating crap all the time and, yes, watching what I eat. But not necessary so I lose weight, just to maintain.

The last two times I was a bridesmaid, it was a little touch and go there with the dress as we got closer to the wedding. In particular, for my BFF's wedding: It had very tiny spaghetti straps but I have very not-tiny bosom so I was going to wear one of those convertible bras with the clear straps. The day of the wedding, the top was so tight I didn't need the clear straps. It was like an unintentional corset.

Over the years, I have stressed enough about fitting into dresses the day of, I am not dealing with that when it comes to my big white poofy dress.


Zero: The number of things I have to explain, defend, or justify. This kind of ties into the first one but for all my bravado, my anxiety makes me second guess myself and my choices often. But I want to be someone who carries herself through the world confident in herself and in her decisions and that means not apologizing when I'm right, or overusing soft language to make my point. (When correcting people, I am guilty of often saying "I think X and y" when I KNOW for a fact it's X and Y.) This doesn't mean I get to be an asshole about things, but it's important for me to speak in a way that affirms what I know and what I bring to the table. It also means I get to say No to things without explaining why I'm saying no. (I mean, obviously there are personal and professional elements at play with some of this but you get my point.)

So there you have it, by word of the year. Do you have a guiding word for 2018?

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Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus

01 January 2018

New Year -- Do You

It's a new year and one of my resolutions / goals is to become a more consistent writer at this here ol' blog of mine. Admittedly, everything with the book and work and life has pushed this down the priority list but I'm hoping to correct that in 2018.

Given that it is New Years Day, I've been thinking a lot about resolutions, as I'm sure many of us are. Sometime I set them, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I set goals instead.

Over the years, my attitude towards setting weight loss resolutions / goals has shifted, obviously. I will say this though: I weigh the same this year as I did this time last year. I legitimately cannot remember the last time that happened. I'm not exaggerating, either. I spent decades of my life yo-yo dieting year to year. Up and down, 20-30 pounds in either direction. DECADES OF MY LIFE PEOPLE.

So, yes, I'm heavier now. Much heavier. That's evident if you look at any picture from this year and then go back far enough in my archives to when I was at my lowest. First, I spent a couple of years losing 30+ pounds a year, then I spent a few years gaining 30+ pounds a year. This is why the fact that I weigh the same now as I did a year ago is such a big fucking deal.

And the thing is, I'm not going to apologize or explain or defend anything. My body is my body and my choices and my decisions. I'm the one that has to live in it and if I'm okay with it, then just everyone else can shut the fuck up.

The thing about being a blogger is that while I put a lot of my life out there in the world, that doesn't mean I put all of my life out there in the world. There have been things happening in my personal life that I just don't feel like talking about but have given me an attitude where I am literally all out of fucks to give about anything whatsoever related to what anyone else thinks about me.

Plus, I already bought my wedding dress so I'm pretty much locked in.

Over the years, my attitude related to dieting and body image has shifted as I've grown comfortable in my body and taking up my space in the world. I was also, admittedly, super judgey.

Before, I was, obviously, super pro-diet and got all up on my high-horse about people who chose the surgery route. Now, I have friends who made that choice and have been very successful and put the fucking work in and good for them because that's a commitment in a totally different way. Then, when I wasn't dieting and was very anti-diet, I'd get all judgemental

My attitude now?

Do whatever the fuck you want.

Seriously. If you want to go on a diet, go on a diet. If you don't, then don't. If you want to take up an exercise routine, great. If you don't, great.


It's your life and it's your body and YOU and only YOU are the one that has to live in it. So make whatever resolutions or goals or decisions that YOU are comfortable with.

Because, honestly, we are all judgmental as fuck and it's exhausting. Remember all that bullshit when Starbucks released their stupid unicorn frap? Jesus Christ. Why the fuck do you, random person on the internet with a social media platform, care so fucking much if someone else orders a goddamn unicorn frap? Are they forcing YOU to drink one? No? Then shut the fuck up and let them drink their goddamn pink drink.

2018: The Year of Zero Fucks Given.

Love from the ashes,
Lady Lazarus
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